I'M LIKE THE CAT!

You know, the one that ate the cheese and lurked outside the mouse's hole with baited breath.

Mine, however, is bated because of my edge-of-the-chair anxiety for what awaits us at the Academy Awards! Remember, that's the night when Horrywood lionizes its own, the actresses dress like the sluts that most of them are, and the participants all forget their lines worse than in the 8th grade class play.

Once upon a time they were prizes for entertainment, but nowadays - starting when? I'm not certain - they've become a sententious display. Horrywood has generally harmful lessons it wants to inculcate upon us, and Oscar night is always a good abstract of its current, gutter philosophies .

Let's see, all manner of graphic violence - rape, murder, torture worse than perpetrated by Good Queen Bess - are OK for adults, while the same but with fewer "fucks" are great for 13-year-old's; Christianity is always wicked; transvestites are very old stuff; they aggrandize abortionists, junkies, and necrophiliacs; try to make martyrs of garden-variety queers; and deplore anything but views so leftist they are even passe' in Russia. They've lined up Alec " If Bush Gets Elected Slut Kim and I'll Move Out Of The Damned Country" Baldwin, remembered mainly for vile language in vile Glengary Whatever the Hell, so Chavez and Castro should get a few yucks.

Do any of the hot contenders deal with bestiality - favorably, of course, I mean? That might be a winner. I think in Lars and the Real Slut they got into the topic of sex with inanimate objects, didn't they?

Say, have they ever told the story of what Moses and Jethro were doing that made that bush burst into flames? How about why Abraham REALLY wanted to cut up Isaac? And the tale about how David was Jesse's illegitimate son, so that a REAL bastard got to be king of Israel?

No, we never see anything derogatory about Jews emanating from Horrywood, which they have traditionally and literally owned for as long as anyone living can recall, whereas pity for Jews and Jew devoutness, as in about a jillion, worthless movies like Schindler's Scroll and Chariots of Gefilte Fish have worn their meaningless awards year in and year out.

I lied; I wouldn't watch these clowns' propaganda if they staged the affair in my living room.